If you’ve ever struggled to find the right words to comfort a friend or loved one who tells you they have cancer, you are not alone I know firsthand how that feels.
In April of 2018, my mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer; in October of 2018, I was diagnosed with breast cancer; and this year, my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer. By necessity rather than choice, I now consider myself fluent in the language of cancer. But my experiences as comforter and comforted have taught me a lot, and I’d like to share with you some practical “Don’ts and Dos” to follow if someone you love receives a cancer diagnosis.
Don’t say: “As long as they catch it early, you’ll be OK.” Cancer patients may not initially know their stage of cancer. They may find out much later, after surgery or additional tests. They may have an advanced form of cancer, and they could still be OK.
Do share stories of people you know who have successfully beaten cancer and are living 5–10–15 years cancer-free. Stories of hope — that’s what cancer patients crave.
Don’t say: “You’ve got this.” Soon after my diagnosis, I realized how very little control I have over my cancer and my response to treatment. If I could have willed the cancer out of my body, I would have already done it. For me, my faith has enabled me to find comfort and strength in the darkest moments.
Do say: I’m here for you”; “I know you’ll fight hard”; or, “I’m praying for you”.
Don’t say: “If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.” With their bandwidth already stretched thin, people going through cancer treatment might not initiate requests for help, so they might need a more specific and proactive suggestion.
Do find tangible, practical ways to assist. Offer to run to the grocery store for them. Pick up their prescriptions. Drop off a meal. Gas up their car. Offer to clean their house. Take their kids to sports practice. Help with errands like these is even more critical now, given the heightened threat that COVID-19 poses to cancer patients.
Don’t forget about the other family members of the cancer patient. Trips to the doctor, chemo treatments, and post-surgery care are physically and emotionally draining for the family, too.
Do regularly check in with them via text or calls. Meet them for coffee. If they have kids, find a fun activity that gets the kids out of the house.
Don’t forget who the person was before their cancer diagnosis. Your friend or loved one might look different or tire more easily, but at their core, they’re still the same person. Even though cancer patients might sometimes want to discuss their health issues, that’s not their sole focus.
Do remember to talk about what interests them. Do activities with them that bring them joy. Make them laugh. While it’s impossible to completely forget about cancer, doing routine things with friends and family is a comfort and brings a sense of normalcy.
Finally, remember never to let your fear of saying something imperfect stop you from reaching out to your friend or loved one who has cancer. My own journey has sometimes been isolating and frightening, but the unwavering support of my family, friends, and co-workers has helped me to fight every day and to appreciate every moment. In difficult times, your kindness can make all the difference.
Kimberly Case is a senior policy advisor at the law firm of Holland & Knight and is living strong with metastatic breast cancer.